Why is change so difficult?

I'm aware I'm the only person who can answer this question but it bothers me how predictable and boring I am. I feel like I can not free myself from my shyness. I can't let go and walk around proudly myself because I am not sure who I am. Yes I am teenager but I feel so stagnant. Now I want to go out there and become promiscuous, do drugs, and drink to feel free. I feel I'm stuck I can't do anything. I feel I'll always be the same and I'll never change. I know this is a horrible wish but sometimes I wish someone close to me would die so I just wake up to reality. i take life as a joke or way too seriously. I do not understand anything. I feel hopeless. I AM NOT CONSIDERING SUICIDE because I feel like I can change but I do not how. that's why i want something traumatic to happen to me to wake me up. It's like nothing can get through to me. People advise about this since forever and I never change because I can't. I know being selfish to wish a death of a family member for my own change. I sound like a crazy person. I need some HARD-CORE ADVICE. Thanks.